Yellow snow is the LEAST of my problems

In fact, it's not on my list of problems at all, because my little diva bitch dog won't go in the snow. Or, in this case, the ice.

Now, she is 14 years old. That's really old for a dog, like...however many human years. A lot. If she were human she'd be hidden away politely someplace where the rest of us wouldn't have to see her and be reminded of how we'll be all geezed and dying someday ourselves. She's really fucking old.

And she can't exactly see all that well. Or, in the strictest sense, hear. But she still steps lightly when Beggin' Strips are involved, OK? She's not crippled or even particularly stove up. She goes up the stairs to bed every night. Besides, I'm not asking her to accompany me in the Mommy-Doggie Iron Man. I just want her to crap in the damn yard instead of on the patio or, her actual favorite, the cozy warm carpet of my living room.

Exhibit A


See how she shits on the patio? Oh, she makes it LOOK like she's trying to hit that little strip of grass alongside the concrete, like maybe her poor, poor ancient doggie eyes just made an honest mistake. Bitch, please. I'm still older than you. I've been around the block WITHOUT you on the leash.

Exhibit B: The Defendant



This photo is from November, right after she had an ingrown nail removed. You might be thinking to yourself: "My GOD. That is the most pathetic possible animal in existence." Don't fall for it. That's all I'm saying. Her foot is completely healed now, and she can perfectly well walk two feet into the yard to do her business.

She should be ashamed of herself for getting so old in the first place. Do you know that I get freaked out now every goddamn time I take her for her stupid SHOTS because I'm sure the vet will tell me he's very sorry but she has [insert terminal doggie ailment here] and won't be going back home with me? Every. Damn. Time. And she's fine! Always!

SO WHY CAN'T SHE CRAP IN THE YARD??