Whatever, Super Bowl Commercials

Yeah, so sue me: I don't give a flying damn about the stupid Super Bowl ads.

The hype itself has jumped the shark for me. Just hearing people natter on about the ads the next day makes me feel like Holden Caulfield, raging against the phoniness of it all and saying "goddamn" a lot. They're COMMERCIALS. They are the reason Prometheus risked everything to give us TiVo.

Before you go all, "Screw her, she's a bitter dried up fatass with no sense of humor," please understand that I do so have a sense of humor. I even think commercials are funny sometimes. This whole Super Bowl thing is just so self-conscious, though, and the ads try so hard; it makes me feel embarrassed for them, they're trying so hard. That Burger King thing? What the fuck was that?? And don't even get me started on Bud Light, which sucks bad enough in itself without torturing me with its "Have Some Delicious Bottled Patriarchy!" TV spots.

I have a nine-year-old son who excels in mathematics. I realize how naive this sounds, but I would really prefer that he made it to ten without deriving the theorum of Man = Obsession With Tits and Beer, where Beer = GCD and Tits are NOT part of the closed set "Wife." Even the energy drinks are associating their product with wife-hating Manly Manliness. What was that swill called--Full Throttle? (Jesus.) Nice shot of the guy unloading groceries with his nagging emasculating wife (Patriarchal Beer Commercial Stereotype #756) and then smashing through the white picket fence in his yard to chase after the giant phallic Full Throttle truck. To summarize: If you really want a huge dick, you have to eschew all signifiers of domesticity in favor of dangerous stimulants. Or maybe that's "if you want to BE a huge dick"--I always get those confused.

And, ha ha, yeah, the guys on the roofs. Oh, he fell through! Get it, because he was a total pussy who actually went up there to maintain a secure home for himself and his family! With no beer! So he's out of the Big Dick Club and has to be humiliated! My knee, she is bruised from the slapping. Do they not see that the message of those ads is less "men love beer" than "men are lazy deceitful jackoffs"? Are men really OK with that stereotype? Really?

Ugh. Sorry to kill everyone's buzz. I guess I'll go home and be so obnoxious to my husband that I drive him to the roof. Do I have any other options, after all?