Wednesday, July 12, 2006

I don't get Kathy Griffin

Am I even spelling her name right? I can't be arsed to look it up.

I'm jazzed to be back watching new Project Runway, but more time with Bravo means more exposure to commercials for Kathy Griffin. Why does she have a show again? I know she played the wacky best friend on some sitcom 50 years ago (and you might recall how I hate sitcoms) but why should I care? From what I've seen, she's far less interesting and funny than plenty of people I personally know whose charms are not distributed to the world via television. So why her?

Maybe I'm just feeling particularly irritable.

A few weeks ago, when my folks were up for my birthday, we went to Petsmart and bought three pretty dalmation mollies for my fish tank. The foolish teenaged girl providing fish bagging services that day told me I needed to put salt in the tank with mollies because they're live bearers. I stared a moment, processing the connection between salt and fish birthing, and she explained, as if to a mentally challenged toddler, "That means they don't lay eggs."

Yes, Miss Thing, I know what "live bearer" means. Check this though: I don't want any baby fishes. So are you saying I can forestall such by withholding salt? Not so much. Apparently relying on the absence of salt is right up there with pulling out on the fish contraceptive continuum.

OK. I decided I wanted to be as sure as possible and asked her to chase down three females. No danglers. My tank would be a Sapphic paradise. Little Miss Can't Be Wrong assured me that she was a master fish sexer. No problem.

During the YEAR that it took her to hand over the fish, she regaled us with the gripping tale of having taught her guinea pig tricks the likes of which won her $100 from Funniest Home Videos and a chance to appear on Letterman. We also learned that she is adopted by foster parents and her mom is is soooo supportive but she's soooo nervous about the whole television thing and doesn't want her mom to go with her to New York because she just KNOWS she'll cry and she can't handle that and WOULD YOU JUST GIVE ME MY BAGGY FULL OF FISH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND SHUT THE FUCK UP BEFORE I KILL EVERYONE IN PETSMART?

I know I'm the meanest person ever but I HATE when people do this. Stop belialing me stupid Petsmart girl! I don't know you!

The punchline--you saw this coming, yes?--is that a week later I found the teeniest possible little fishie tooling around in my tank. I thought, well, you know, these things they happen; clearly one of the mollies arrived enceinte. Everyone has a past, right?

This morning my son found two NEW wee fishies hiding amongst the plastic flora, clearly recent arrivals, as the first surprise has grown significantly since its appearance. This is definitely a fresh new group.

Stupid Petsmart girl.


At 12:27 PM, Blogger CrankyProf said...

How, exactly, does one sex a fish?

Does it involve an expensive meal of tetra flakes and a good bottle of perrier? Do you put on some Barry White?

If it's really pervvy, is there tartar sauce involved?

At 12:29 PM, Blogger Shell said...

Well, apparently it don't take much! The ones I got are awfully easy anyway.


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