Thursday, February 23, 2006

Bite ME, Quiznos!

Your commercials repulse me, but that's not even why I despise you right now.

First, you are the only food-vending establishment within easy walking distance of my office, which, though arguably not your fault, annoys me.

Second, your flashy, over-designed menu makes me feel like I'm having a seizure in a foreign country. No matter how I stare I cannot decode it.

Third, your food, while edible, does not come nestled in a Faberge egg. There is no reason for a goddamn turkey sandwich and chips to cost seven dollars. That's a small turkey sandwich and pre-packaged chips--nothing special. No, really. It's fine for lunch, but it is nothing special.

Finally, the dumbass working your counter can't hold a wisp of thought long enough to construct the sandwich I actually ordered. Would someone please tell me what's so tricky about putting together a mediocre sandwich? I went over there today, and after ten minutes of staring at the menu and twitching I said, "Look, I can't read that thing. I just want a small turkey with swiss and mustard on wheat." How hard is that? She seemed on top of it, too, responding with a cool, "Lettuce, tomato, and onion?" To which I replied, "NO. Thank you."

Is there anything ambiguous about that conversation? I must not have the requisite objectivity for seeing it, but it's there, somewhere, because after being shaken down for seven dollars I trudged back to my office and found . . . fucking lettuce, tomato, and onion all up in my sandwich. It was that sadistic shredded lettuce, too, all tenacious and ubiquitous and ineradicable. I HATE lettuce. And once it's been on your stupid sandwich--especially after being passed through a toaster--you can't get the taste out even after scraping and picking and CURSING until there are no visible traces left.

I can see how a challenged person might be stymied by a request to add something weird to a sandwich, but this was not a complicated order. I told her what I wanted in plain speech. All she had to do was listen to my words. There wasn't even the barrier to communication commonly known as the "drive-thru"; I looked her right in the eyes.

So screw you, Quiznos. I'm not going there anymore. I'll drive.


At 8:38 PM, Blogger drdave said...

Hilarious. I thought Quiznos was rogering just me on the prices. You know what scares me about Quiznos? They don't let you sign your credit card receipt. They are the only business I go to that doesn't want a signature for a charge card. Hello identity theft.

At 10:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

a perfectly reasonably stated rant against a place that totally deserved it. but not liking lettuce? who doesn't like lettuce? that part sounds vaguely subversive.

At 10:02 AM, Blogger Shell said...

Heh. I know. Everyone in the damn world likes lettuce but me. I have tried to eat it--I just really don't like it.

Dave, I didn't even notice that about the credit card. Hmmmm. Why do they need such a complicated menu, though, seriously? Am I just too low class to eat there? I JUST WANT A FUCKING TURKEY SANDWICH.

At 12:26 PM, Anonymous Jenny said...

Hey Shell! I read your blog all the time and you are so right about this. I too got bent over for like $10 because I asked for a drink with my sandwich and chips. Only in this country would I need to take out a loan for a Dr. Pepper. And I have to say THANK GOD they got rid of that commercial with the coked out mutated mouse that sang!! I still have nightmares with that thing singing at me!

At 12:40 PM, Blogger Shell said...

Hey, sis!

Those commercials are the reason TiVo exists. It was the ones with the mutant babies that gave me night terrors. Ugh!

love ya

At 5:28 AM, Anonymous Omar Abu Arisheh said...

hehe... my coworker keeps calling me quiznos like it's a curse word.. because we don't have it here in Jordan, so i didn't know what the word means! so She kept calling me quiznos like it were a curse word hehe...

my friend hates cheese, and gives us a headache if he got a burger or a sandwich with cheese, i used to tell him everybody loves cheese, he said i don't, same as u.

About the signature on the receipt for the credit card, well... do u think it matters? everyone sign anything and it always works! so they might be just cutting u the hassle! ;)


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