Why am I still watching Survivor?
No, really. I have no idea. It's a boring-ass show about 85% of the time, and my visceral hatred for Jeff Probst knows no limits.
Do I have everyone's permission to stop watching now? Please?
Perhaps I should present my case in full.
Exhibit A: Probst
Put simply, Jeff Probst, the host of Survivor, may be the most obnoxious jackhole on television. I hate him and his ass face. I understand that he's trying to be the host and all, but would it kill him to shut his gaping piehole for two seconds? Why must he yell at me through every damn challenge? Yes, JEFF, I can see that she untied the rope. YOU'RE NOT PROVIDING A SERVICE FOR THE BLIND HERE, JEFF. SHUT THE FUCK UP. I actually mute the TV during challenges he irritates me so badly. I can't stand his stupid yelling.
Then there are his idiotic little catch phrases, like "Worth playing for?" after he explains the rewards and "Immunity, back up for grabs." He's so self-important and smarmy, like he really sees himself as the beating heart beneath Survivor's breast or whatever, when in actuality all he does is strike a lot of poses in his Crocodile Dundee hat and make an ass of himself. If I hunted quail with him I would shoot him in that stupid hat.
On top of all this, I now have Jeff Probst-related Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. Several months ago I ran across a link online titled something innocuous like, "Jeff Probst LOL." Thinking it might provide me a laugh at his expense, I clicked. Everything kind of goes black after that (though my therapist wants to try to recover the memories as soon as she deems me ready) but I do know the link took me to a photo and the photo . . . ahhhhhhh . . . I can't . . . thephotowasprobst wasnakedprobst holdinghispenisoutforthecamera. Probst . . . penis . . . please god let that be Photoshopped. The thing is, I believe he's the kind of person who would be full enough of himself to pose for such a photo, which causes the edges of my protective denial to wobble a bit. No, I refuse. Totally Photoshopped. I could not sleep ever again if I thought I had seen Jeff Probst's actual penis. It was Photoshopped, DAMN YOU.
[below, Feel the Hate]
It's all just gone stale, hasn't it? If we're being honest? I'm only watching now from habit, like I keep thinking something will happen if I hang in. But nothing happens. The contestants always look exactly the same. The challenges always look exactly the same. They tried to rekindle interest by starting with four tribes this season, and that lasted . . . one episode. And the point of that? No idea. Couldn't care less about "Exile Island," because zzzzzzzzzz. You had a good run, Survivor, but I think it's time.
For the dramatic series finale, you can take the vaguely racist exoticizing of Others upon which the show was erected to its logical conclusion and throw Probst into a volcano. (Oh, god, "erect" and "Probst" in the same sentence and I have to go cry now.)