This Week in Reality Television

I’ve been hellishly busy at work all of a sudden, but I did manage to watch several shows and form snotty opinions about them:

The Apprentice

I like this show quite a bit, in all honesty, even though Trump makes less sense than Tyra when he eliminates people. But if you remove the Trump factor from the equation (thank you, fast forward button!) The Apprentice is a good fit for me because it has everything I enjoy about reality programming: actual tasks (I hate shows like Real World or The Bachelor where the contestants don’t have to do anything), deluded people who apply to be on TV because they’re convinced the world should no longer be deprived of their awesomeness, and due humiliation of same.

This week the teams had to put together a commercial for Norwegian Cruise Lines. They were informed in perfect, clear terms that the ads were to promote NCL’s non-structured cruises, where you can eat anytime you want and wear whatever you want (blahblahblah) without the oppressive structure of some other cruises. One team heard those instructions and made a commercial about those aspects of a NCL cruise; the other was totally absent/at the dentist/in the bathroom that day and made a commercial about a castaway being picked up by a cruise ship. Morons. Ha!


American Idol

Dear America:

Bite me.

BFF
LYLAS
WBS

Shell


I mean, the show this week sucked donkey balls anyway. Then, to add insult to injury, Katharine got fewer votes than Bucky? REALLY?? And Paris does nothing but gyrate in an embarrassing, possibly illegal fashion and say “work it out” four or five times and still gets that many more votes than Katharine? Maybe Ryan is so distracted by his new relationship with that plastic-faced woman that he’s reading his cards wrong.


The Amazing Race

Best moment all season came this week: The hippy guys wearing t-shirts that say “bowling” and “moms,” respectively, in homage to Linda and Karen from Season Five. I love when people apply for the show because they watch and love it, not simply because they want to be discovered. Well played, B.J. and Tyler.

Speaking of watching a show before you apply? Yeah, this week’s episode included the obligatory contestant who showed up for a race around the world without learning to drive stick shift. SIGH. This happens EVERY SEASON, people. Learn! You’re like the fools who jump off the boat for Survivor all, “Does anyone know how to make a fire?” Then they wander around with no idea how to build a shelter either, like they’re all going to huddle under Jeff Probst’s dick when it rains.

Did you think it was all about promotional shoots, dipshits? Then you’re on the wrong show. You should have applied for. . .


America’s Next Top Model

OK, after I bagged on Top Model so hard the other day this week’s episode was kind of great. Because they no longer own their souls (read the fine print, sisters) the contestants are only allowed to call loved ones with the single house phone, and all calls are fodder for public consumption. This week we got to hear Nnenna talking to her imbecilic boyfriend and, deliciously, flat hanging up on his ass in mid-whine. Excellent.

Also, Insane Clown Janice Dickinson raged in and taught the wannabes about commercial vs. editorial posing (one of the first actual lessons I’ve ever seen on this show, Jay Manuel notably absent) and then crashed their dinner, got Paula Abdul levels of shitfaced, and made stupid Gina cry.

THEN freakshow Jade said she wanted to be a kindergarten teacher someday and Danielle gave a hilariously vehement interview about how she would homeschool her child before sending it to Jade’s kindergarten.

More weeks like this and I’ll retract my anti-Top Model statements.


(Finally) Survivor

Survivor was predictable and dumb this week, just as I predicted. (Dumbly?) Most offensively, the previews for this episode included dramatic grainy video of paramedics and a stretcher over which Probst intoned something about devastating injury that might take a player out of the game. I guess that video was supposed to go with CSI, though, since nothing like it appeared on Survivor. Bruce got hit with a machete and bled for a few minutes and said he was fine. No paramedics, no stretcher, and YOU SUCK, Survivor. Who do they think they’re kidding? I don’t want anyone gruesomely injured (well, maybe Shane) but what was with that stupid preview? It was a total lie! Go away, Jeff.